I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
