Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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