just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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