They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
