Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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