normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
