do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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