I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
