I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
