my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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