Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
