I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
