I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
