haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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