im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
