So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
