I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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