final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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