is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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