It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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