That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
