i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
