Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize