Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
