I can't watch pbs sober anymore
no, he came in my armpit
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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