it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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