It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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