dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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