Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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