We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize