My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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