There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
