Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm getting married
To pizza
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
