I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
