Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
