chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
