woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize