The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
