You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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