Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
we're so committed to being not committed
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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