He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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