the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
