yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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