i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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