I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
