At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
no you cant smoke seaweed
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
