we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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