I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
