I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
