Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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