Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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