I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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