unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
