The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We left the knife in your bed.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
