She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
