i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
