I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize