So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
